how can u be prego again
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
