cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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