she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
