Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
