the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
