my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm passing your future prison.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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