i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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