Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
