I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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