3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
