guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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