If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I wish there were birth control emojis
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
