he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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