Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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