that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
