you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
