How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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