Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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