So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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