Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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