So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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