Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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