It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize