I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize