Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
