he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize