you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
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I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
