It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
