Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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