Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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