I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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