so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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