That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
