Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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