so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
