Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
