I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize