I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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