...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
