At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
