Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize