You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
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