I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
