Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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