You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
