A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
God I need to hump something, right now.
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