If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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