The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
ok first of all what the fuck
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
