He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
