But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
