at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
