Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
