Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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