I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Alive.
So much puke
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
