there's paper in my vomit.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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