DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
