I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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