I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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