the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
