just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
