we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
