So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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