Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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