NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
