I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
