Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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