Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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